She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
