it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am spending my child support on dildos
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
