We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
