I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
