I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
