If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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