That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Randomize
