New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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