I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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