Your dad touched me again.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
