I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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