if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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