I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
