I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
