the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
