Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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