update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
