She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
