Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
