I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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