the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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