I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
