I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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