Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
