I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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