shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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