It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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