I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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