singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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