what day is it and did you see me today?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i've created a new STD.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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