Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
