The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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