I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
