rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
