when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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