My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
