please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
