You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize