He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
