a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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