you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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