you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
