If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
