Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
