No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
