I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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