I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
