My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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