I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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