Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
