i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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