Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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