She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
