I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
