Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
