she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
