Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize