I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize