If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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