"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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