we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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