I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
